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A Christmas Carol

It is appropriate that on this Christmas Eve I write about “A Christmas Carol” It is my all time favorite story at Christmas time. Some of you might be saying, “But Jane, you write a lot about your faith. Shouldn’t the Nativity Story be your favorite?”

In your thinking, yes, the Nativity story should be my favorite. While it is why we celebrate Christmas, I relate so well to the characters or Charles Dickens. On a simplistic level, it is a story about a man who relives his life and sees that he could be a better person. Or, it is about money; how you don’t need money to be happy and sometimes money, or the love of money (very religious) can make you very lonely. I guess I should just say that “A Christmas Carol” is my favorite movie.

It is about family dysfunction and how unresolved feelings can make you a wreck. It is about the innocence of youth. I could keep going but the complexity is not my point. My point is about the world!

My last couple of writings have dealt with the troubles of this world as I see it. It has been about the need to be #1 and forget the facts. The facts can be figured out later. So with that, I begin.

As I was getting ready for our Christmas Eve service, I was watching the scene when Jacob Marley was visiting Ebenezer Scrooge. He talked about the chains that he forged, “oh, those seven years ago,” and how Scrooge’s chains were as long as Marley’s back then. Marley spoke of the additional chains that have been forged since his passing. And I started thinking about the Marley’s of the world; I began to wonder how many people are out there that too, have forged so many chains that they are not aware. That not until their death, did they realize the errors of their ways, the wrongs that they have committed here on this earth. And I felt sad for all of the Marley’s that live here today. That will learn when it is too late.

Then I began thinking of the Scrooge’s out there. I wasn’t thinking of the curmudgeon of a Scrooge because that would be Marley. No, I was thinking of the Scrooge’s out there that have had an epiphany and have changed their ways. I think of those people who were selfish and mean and now, for whatever reason, have become giving and caring and redemptive.  I think how lucky those people are to have the same opportunity that Ebenezer had to change his ways and become a better person.

When you think of “A Christmas Carol”, you cannot forget the spirits. Depending on the version of “A Christmas Carol” you watch determines the spirit that you get. Some of the versions have the Ghost of Christmas Past as a young woman, sometimes an old man. Sometimes the spirit is very serious and other times, almost like a silly goose (an oca loca, is what my daughter would say). The director has taken the story and used his/her own spin to decide that past.

I could see using the different characterizations because at the beginning, Scrooge seemed an abused child and therefore sad. After he became an apprentice to Fezziwig, he became jovial and full of life. But he became sad and angry into adulthood. Because of this, I could see where the ghost could be portrayed in different ways if your belief is the ghost could be a reflection of life.

It is interesting that the Ghost of Christmas Present may be presented differently in appearance but he seems to always be a ghost with a jovial laugh. There is always a great deal of food and light. It would appear that he will be uplifting but that is not the case. Yes, it is true that he shows many happy families and celebrations; but he also shows the reality of life. He reminds Ebenezer that there is poverty and hurt and despair in the world. And that Ebenezer has a responsibility to help if he has the means.

Sadly, the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come is always ominous, mysterious and scary. As child, it is scary to look at and I would seem to turn away when I was younger. As an adult it is the reminder of death and that it is looming. I know that ghost is to scare Ebenezer into seeing that his life is not worth much and that he garners no respect. But sometimes I wish this ghost would have different personas like the other ghosts. I guess maybe everyone who has produced a Christmas Carol story, felt that Dickens did a fine job with this character.

I don’t know that I have experienced a Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. I do think there are times that I am scared into looking at my present and how my present may affect my future. There are times that I wonder if I fall into the category of a Marley, that I do not see the chains that I have forged in my life – chains that will not be revealed until death.

I do love the end of the story; Ebenezer Scrooge has seen the light and for the rest of his days was a loving and giving man. I really hope that is how I  will be remembered, not for the awful things but for the good. I do not believe that I am a Scrooge; not a ‘before ghosts’ Scrooge or an ‘after ghosts’ Scrooge. I am probably a cross between Scrooge and Cratchit, not always bad but not always good.

I wish for everyone, the memorable Tiny Tim statement, “God Bless us, every one!”

Merry Christmas and Blessings to you all.

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When will the world end?

Well, I am writing so it is obvious that the world did not come to an end as the Mayans apparently had predicted. For various reasons, I did not have much faith in that prediction.

  1. It did not make any major news station like previous predictions had
  2. The Mayan Calendar did not take into consideration a 7 day, 12 month year and Leap Year was not known
  3. It says in the Bible that only the One, True God knows of the end.

I am sure that many people have been thinking about the Second Coming or the end of existence with all of the weather abnormalities. Also with all of the unrest in the Middle East and of course, the unrest in the lives of others that have caused horror on our own land.

As I have written before, I am a faithful and religious person but I am not an obsessive Christian. I believe that all I have has come from God and I should so my best to be kind, caring and help those that need help. I do not live my life hoping for the Coming of Christ. If that makes me a bad Christian, then I must pray every day for  forgiveness. Even with all of its problems and horrors, I actually like this earth. I like where I live. I even like the eight inches of snow that fell in blizzard conditions earlier this week.

I am selfish for my children. I want them to be able to experience the same things in life that I have experienced. They are honestly such great kids. They both have more compassion, concern about their earth and are further along in their faith walk than I was at their age. I want to see what they become as adults and how they take everything that they know and have passion for and use it to better this place we call home.

I remember when I was in high school, the world was going to be coming to an end. I was scared. I was honestly in fear of my life. I did not want my life to end when I was just a teenager. There was so much I wanted to see. There was so much I wanted to accomplish. From a shallow standpoint, I didn’t want to die before knowing what truly loving someone was like. I wanted to know what physical love was as well. I also knew that I was not going to go out and have sex just because someone said that the world was going to come to an end. So the same things that I feared I would not experience are the same things that I fear for my children. I do want my children to know what true love is about. I want then to know what it is like to love someone so deeply that they want to spend the rest of their life with them.

The world did not come to an end when I was a teenager and who knows (Okay God knows) when time on this earth will cease. But I know that I need to live my as if it were ending tomorrow. There are times when I really fail being a good person but there are days that I succeed oh so well!

Every year I hope that I become a better position, mature in my walk with God, mature in my handling tough situations. I think that I do grow a little every year. So once again, I will hope that I become a better person and do a better job acting the way I have been taught to act towards others.

As we see this Christmas season and as those of Jewish faith celebrate Hanukkah, we all are reflecting on light. For us it is the light of Christ, the light of the star that told of Jesus’ birth. For the Jewish people it is the miracle of the light of the oil lasting in the lamp. I think if we all look at ourselves, we are more alike than different and I think we should be looking at how we can be civil and friendly instead of looking at our differences and thinking that it is the difference that defines us. It is not the differences but our similarities that can define us and make us great.

Whether you celebrate the light of Jesus or the Light of the Menorah, peace to you all and blessings to you and your family.

 

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Responsible journalism

We now have all heard and wept over the atrocious happenings in Connecticut. I became angry, almost straight away, at the news media and their inconsiderate and inaccurate reporting.

I have a degree in contemporary media/journalism and I am appalled at the way this horrible action was handled. I actually got out of television reporting when the news director where I worked asked me to change the “spin” of my story because the truth would hurt a county supervisor. Even though the story was accurate and backed with facts, my story was scrapped because it would not look good in that community. When the news director threw me under the bus I decided it was time to leave.

A sister company’s news director came to our station for a review of our stories and that director did not like the approach to a story (that my news director set up). My director blamed me and then after the meeting, he apologized in private telling me that he was not going to take the blame; nice boss! I found a new job that week end!

Why is our society so obsessed with having to have information NOW? Would it not be better to have accurate information instead of hearing information and then having to correct yourself 5 times when the facts are actually established? I just don’t get it!

My daughter came home from school today saying that one teacher told her the killing was done in Pennsylvania to 4th and 5th graders and that 26 were killed. Another teacher told her it was in Connecticut, kindergarteners and 26 children were dead. First I heard a 20-year-old had done the shooting and then within 20 minutes the news “confirmed” that the shooter was 24 years old. My husband tells me later that the 24-year-old was named and the report had to be retracted because the person named was the brother of the 20-year-old shooter. So not only does this 24-year-old victim of the press have to deal with a slanderous accusation, he has to deal with the death of his mother and the acts of his brother and the brother’s suicide.

When did being a journalist mean getting the fastest news out and to hell with accuracy! I would rather be known as a reporter that is accurate in reporting than quick. You can report on the news facts that you have and as the story develops, report the additional facts.

How many parents found out about the shooting on the news? How many feared for the lives of their children without having accurate facts? I feel for these families and I pray for everyone that is involved – the families, the police, the paramedics, the whole community.

And it is not just this story; it is people who think that they have a right to any information out there – be it national security, the health of our political leaders, the true color of a celebrities hair. Sometimes it is best to not know and to let people do their jobs and sometimes in private and in secret. I am not saying that we shouldn’t be aware but I do not need to know what our country is doing about the problems in North Korea. If we tell all, what we know, what we want to know, then we have no security; we have told the world everything and that cannot be good or smart.

While listening to commentators on the shooting, there was a person that said that things like this will always happen when people have ‘reality tv” and “Facebook”. What does Facebook have to do with this shooting? In the same discussion a female reporter says, “It has been confirmed that this is not a Jihad. This was a single incident.” I never thought that it was anything but a crazy person but now this reporter has put the thought in everyone’s mind that there was a thought it was a Muslim attack. When this man talked about reality tv or Facebook, my thought was that we should look at the news media and their culpability in reporting inaccurately.

I agree that there is too much violence on the news and in television programs and reality tv. Because people think they need it does not mean they should get it. They think that they need it because it was given to them once and now it is like a drug and they just can’t say no. As I have said before, “It is hard to close Pandora’s Box.” When it used to be that there should be no swearing on television, actors and people on the street can get away with saying frickin’ or sh** or other words. I think the only thing not allowed is using the Lord’s Name in vain. I hope that never becomes acceptable.

I have had this opinion for many years. But today set me off when there were so many discrepancies in the stories that were being reported over the many news stations. I know that this should be about mourning the loss of life but I just can’t get out of my head all of the people who have been hurt, had their lives ruined (or lost like the nurse who committed suicide after the London hospital incident with Princess Kate)

We never know how what we say or write can affect others. We never know how stable, or unstable, a person is until something traumatic happens. We never know when a simple prank may end up in the person ending their life for whatever reason. I am not against simple pranks but I think the British Press went too far in reporting about Jacintha Saldahna.

Why can’t we be careful in what we say and how we say it and make sure that what we say or write is accurate? When will those stupid reporter’s ever get it through their head that you do not ask a parent how they feel when they have just lost their young child? Let me give them that answer…”They are devastated and their life will never be the same.” Be a little sensitive; being a reporter does not mean being insensitive. Be a good reporter and be accurate and be careful because the  people who you report on or speak with have emotions and may not need to have their information shared right then.

God Bless those families and may God keep them enfolded in His loving arms.

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I need a job

“I need a job!” How many times have you said that? Actually, I remember just twice – once when I was graduated from college and had sent out a million (okay a little exaggeration) resume‘s to television stations and now. I have either been gainfully employed or, as a family, made the decision that a paying job was not best. All that has changed. I am not gainfully employed and the family has decided that I need to start providing an income.

So, “I need a job!” Do you know how hard it is for me to find a job/career when I have not had full-time work for almost 17 years? It is pretty darn hard, especially if I want to find a job/career in my field of study, contemporary media/journalism. I have been sending out resume’s via a job search website http://www.flexjobs.com.

My first experience of sending out resume’s, oh so many years ago, was all done by snail mail and the employer would respond back with a “Thank you, no jobs are available”, or “Thanks, but your qualifications do not match our needs.” Now you send out a resume’ for a job posting and the email response is…”Thank you for your application. While (insert company name) attempts to contact all candidates within a reasonable time, due to the high volume of applicants, we may not always be able to respond to each submission. We will contact potential candidates to schedule an interview. HR will keep your resume and information on file for future consideration.” I don’t have hundreds of applications out there, but I have either received the above statement or heard nothing at all.

Some problems I have been finding are employers want paid experience. I have been a volunteer writer/editor for a not-for-profit quarterly newsletter for over 3 years and have been their non-paid grant writer for two years. How can this not count as experience? My success rate for grants is over 50%. My understanding, that in the grant writing world, that percentage is successful.

I also have been writing, almost non-stop, since college. I either found a way to write in my job or was using my background for other organizations or businesses. I have written for the Girl Scouts – newsletters, brochures and other PR publications. I used my talent writing for our housing development, the Village of Kennard, Nebraska, Toastmaster’s International and presently, Camp Fontanelle in Fontanelle, NE. But the only job that I actually was paid for writing was at the television station. The other positions were not part of my job title but became a part of my job or was done as a volunteer. I even write articles for our local newspaper but once again, not a paid position.

I just need a chance, but cannot take a non-paid job. I blog regularly for practice and write for http://www.examiner.com. Examiner is more about getting practice and getting published. It cannot be my main source of income. I spend many hours a week, sometimes a day, and this is about all I can give non-paid.

I am learning about on-line writing. This is a new animal for me. This was not a possibility when I was in college because the internet did not exist. I don’t know if there are more writers out there or more people out there writing. But I am trying to brush up on my AP style writing and copywriting/editing. I am not expecting a miracle. I would like a writing position by mid-summer. I am being patient but I also know that I would rather write than work in customer service. It seems that is one of few options that I have since it has been 17 years since working full-time.

This blog is a place for my thoughts, experiences and feelings. While it is not meant to have huge SEO, there may be some, like you, who read this. If you have any words of advice or encouragement, please share. Your help is greatly appreciated.

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Copper has died; Long live Copper in our hearts. (Thoughts on euthanasia)

Note: part of this was begun on Monday, November 26, a day before Copper died.

He was terminal. He was not going to get better. His bone marrow was not producing red blood cells and the RBCs he had were dying. He was dying. He was not that same dog that would jump from five steps up to get to the door to go outside. He didn’t want his favorite treat. He turned his head when I tried to give him a cooked turkey liver.

It was painful; not for him but for me as I watched him waste away by the hour. He was not suffering, physically. A low RBC, at its basic level, causes a person to be tired, lethargic. That was Copper, sometimes too tired to lift his head. It was not natural. It was not Copper.

(Below was written on the 26th. I have tried not to edit it as the writing was fresh and raw)

He was ‘hospitalized’ at the vet’s office and given an IV of meds to help him get better. Many tests were done and many things were ruled out but it was hard to come up with an answer as to why he was so ill; he looked healthy. Comparing blood tests started showing that his blood was deteriorating but the vet did not know if it was a production problem or a destruction problem.

We now have answers and have to look at what is best for our dog, our family member. Copper is not producing red blood cells. And the blood cells that he has are looking very tired. Soon he will not have any red blood cells in his body.

What does this mean to a dog or a person? Well, he gets tired very easily; he is lethargic; he has lost his appetite. That is because the red blood cells move oxygen around the body. That is not happening. Copper also has low platelets. That is actually why he was initially taken to the vet, he kept bleeding from the nose and mouth. It was just odd, but that is what happens when there are not enough platelets, you bleed, or when you start, it is hard to stop.

We had plans to be away from home for Thanksgiving. We did not know how Copper was going to handle us being away so we left him with the vet and kept our Tinkerbelle at home with our niece. When I went to pick up Copper today, we had one last blood test to confirm what the vet had feared; Copper was dying and it would not be long before he was dead. Through many tears, I learned all I needed to know to be able to go home and share with the family our options.

I now await the arrival of our children to discuss the end of life plan for our dearest family member, Copper. I brought Copper home so we can share our last moments, to have closure, to say to him what we need to say, to say good-bye. It is hard to believe that soon he will no longer be physically with us.

(That is all I could write. The rest was written today and is still wrought with emotion but there have been a few days to process what has happened)

Murphy’s Law went into action. Talking to the family did not go as planned. My son did not get my text because his phone had died so he did not come home right after school. I had to pick my daughter up from school because…my son did not get my text. Conversations were done individually.

The initial discussion happened with my husband as soon as Copper and I got home from the vet’s. Through a bucket full of tears, we talked about, not what was best for us but, what was best for Copper. He needed to be allowed to be at peace. I cannot say that he needed to be without pain because I could tell that he was not in pain. You live with someone for nine and a half years, you get to know them and he was not in pain; he was sad. The life that he had in his eyes before we went away for Thanksgiving was gone. Before he had a sparkle; that was gone. He was oh so skinny. He had lost 5 pounds, more than 25% of his body weight in three weeks.

Kent and I decided that we would have a discussion with our children about ending his misery. Kent went ahead and called Dr. Johnson and made an appointment to have him put down the next day. Our thought was, we could always cancel the appointment if the kids were not on board.

NOW, let me tell you, I believe in euthanasia. I have believed in euthanasia for as long as I can remember. I wrote term papers on passive euthanasia in high school and college. I gave speeches on euthanasia. Kent and I signed Living Wills, as soon as we were married, stating that we did not want to be kept alive by artificial means if there was no hope of recovery. We had that discussion again when a friend of ours was in a bicycle accident. It is not something that we don’t talk about. It is something that we discuss with family so everyone knows how we feel.

I spoke with my daughter as I drove the 10 miles from the high school to home. She asked if she needed to take over driving as the tears ran down my cheeks. But I said no because I needed something to concentrate on, even if it was only driving a road that I have driven thousands of times. She knew what I was going to say. She had been preparing since I had sent the text 5 hours prior. She knew and she knew that Copper needed to be released. She was not fine but she was okay.

My son got home after martial arts and we had the talk. I can still hear him say, “Oh, Copper,” the way he did almost every day. I told him, as I had told my daughter, that he needed to say his goodbyes because tomorrow was the day.

Monday was a blur. And Tuesday came too quickly.

We have a dog door that goes into the garage where the dogs have a special place to get out of Nebraska weather. There are also dog houses and chairs for them to sit on outside, when the weather is nice. Needless to say, our dogs are very spoiled.

Well, we put Copper in the garage to be with Tinkerbelle and I would go out an check on him frequently. There were a few times throughout the day, I would go out and lie next to him, stroke his soft, curly hair and just talk. Talk to him about how much I loved him and how lucky we were to have him in our lives. I told him that what we were doing was to make him well in another place (I do believe that an animal’s life does not end here on Earth. I have to believe that) I also told him I was sorry because what we were doing, no matter how much I thought it was the correct decision, was a hard decision.

About 45 minutes before he was to go to the vet’s, I picked him up; he was no longer able to walk much of a distance without tripping or falling. I took him outside and told him to ‘go potty’. He stumbled around a little and then I picked him up and brought him inside. I sat holding him on the ‘dog sofa’. It was the last time I would hold him. His head lie limply on my chest. I was hoping he could hear my heart beat and know that it was more than just an organ that pushed blood throughout my body. I was hoping he knew that it was a heart that was breaking, that was so full of love, that it needed to let him go so  he could be healed. I just took it all in and prayed that there really was a Rainbow Bridge that our pets crossed over to another life.

It was decided that Tinkerbelle would go to the vet’s with me so she knew that Copper had died. She needed to know that Copper was not coming home. She had seen him leave over the past three weeks and he had always come home. Tinkerbelle needed to know that her friend would not be around anymore.

Dr. Johnson told me on Monday that the process would take about 20 minutes but I needed to block out an hour in case his office got busy. He wanted the process to happen without interruption so he wanted me to be prepared to not have things begin at the scheduled time. I was okay with that.

We drove to town and I continued to talk to both dogs the whole way. The tears had not started, yet. Getting out of the car I had Copper in my arms and little Tinkerbelle on a leash. Tinkerbelle was nervous because the last time she was at the vet office was to give a blood transfusion to Copper when we did not have a diagnosis.

(I am going to explain the process and my experience. If you do not want to read about it, please go down to the XXXXXX’s. You can start reading again after that).

It was 4:45. The office was not busy. It was us and the office staff. We were directed into the room where we always go; the exam room where we learned of Copper’s fate. I laid Copper on the cold, stainless steel table and continued stroking his coat. Tinkerbelle was roaming the exam room, shaking like a leaf, not sure what to expect.

The vet and his assistant came into the room and again explained the procedure that was going to occur. He had explained it Monday to make sure that we were completely informed as to what would happen. Euthanasia is derived from two Greek words which together mean ‘good death’. That is what we wanted for Copper, a good death.

It was time. I let the assistant take over controlling Copper on the table. It was really not necessary because he was lying there not moving but I moved to petting his head and hoping he felt the love. Doc Johnson leaned over and whispered something in Copper’s ear. I don’t know what was said, but I imagine it was something about everything was going to be okay, he was going to be in a better place, he was loved. It was their private moment.

At this time, I picked up Tinkerbelle and held her as Copper’s leg was shaved for the injection. A tourniquet was put around his leg and Doc tried to find the vein. “That vein is gone.” Oh wow! He explained that he needed to prep the other back leg. So he moved that leg aside and shaved his other leg and put a tourniquet on it. He told me that he was able to find that vein and started the injection.

I swear that within 30 seconds he looked at me and said, “He is gone”. I looked shocked and said, “So soon.” He looked at my tear filled eyes and said, “He was almost there. He just needed a little help.”

It was peaceful. There was no release of air from his lungs. There were no fluids leaving his body (which I knew was a possibility at death). His eyes stayed open (which I have read is natural). I think that is why I was so surprised that he was dead. It took less than a minute and his eyes were open. Oh Man! Copper was dead!

Dr. Johnson told his assistant to go get a towel so Copper could be laid on the floor for Tinkerbelle to see him. I don’t know if it was the assistant or the doctor that laid Copper on the floor. All I remember is when Copper was picked up, his head flopped back because it was not supported; the sign I needed that confirmed his death. I know that sounds weird but him laying on the table and his chest not rising, did not confirm it for me; the vet saying he was dead did not confirm it. His head flop confirmed it and I was sad.

Tinkerbelle sniffed a little but would not get close to Copper. I put her tennis ball close, but she would not go after it. I knew she knew Copper was dead because nothing would stop Tinkerbelle from going after her tennis ball.

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Dr. Johnson explained, on Monday, that Tinkerbelle would go through the same grieving process that a person goes through. We were not to be surprised if she started ripping up pillows and that was okay because she needed to work through her grief. I have seen a change in Tinkerbelle. She does want to be held more. She does not rollick in the back yard like she did with Copper. She will get better. We just have to be patient. (She still likes her tennis balls though!)

It is appropriate that as I write this the vet office called and said Copper’s ashes are ready for pick up. We opted to have him cremated. We will decide at a later date whether to have has ashes stored in an urn (which my son wants to make in Advanced Pottery) or have his ashes spread in a favorite spot.

Copper is dead but he will forever live in the heart’s of those who loved him. My grief is not over. But I am better. And I know Copper is better. Two comments were made that put a smile on my face: from my sister who commented after I sent out an announcement to family and close friends,  ‘I just wondered how Copper was doing. He’s doing GREAT! He and Jake are chasing butterflies beyond the Rainbow Bridge. I’ve got tears for you all and for all our wonderful nonhuman family members. You’re right, they do tell you when they’re ready to go, even if you’re not ready.’ And from my neighbor after I posted his ‘obituary’ on Facebook, ‘We all are sorry to hear about Copper.  Will miss seeing him romp through the side yard!’ 

I am so grateful for the person who envisioned the Rainbow Bridge, a place for our beloved pets to roam after death. Whether it is true or not, whether they cross the Rainbow Bridge or head directly to ‘people’ Heaven, I have hope that Copper will be with me again, when my time comes. http://www.rainbowbridge.com/hello.htm

Blessings to all of you who have suffered the death of a pet. Copper’s death is probably one of the most devastating deaths that I have experienced. He was always true and loving and never judged me (at least I can believe that because he could not speak to me in human speak). There will never be another Copper.

In memory of Hollybriar Copper Wired Van Horn b. 5/21/03 d. 11/27/12

This is the last photo taken of Copper

This is the last photo taken of Copper

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How do we use our words?

I have a very diverse life. I have been blessed to experience many aspects of life. I have had full-time jobs, part-time jobs, and non-paying jobs. I am a wife, a mother a friend. And as I write this, I notice that my first three sentences all begin ‘I have’. My thoughts run to “how selfish am I to be thinking about what ‘I have’ instead of what I can do, or be, or give.’

And that makes me laugh because my family is very conscious of our giving both in time and finances to organizations and people who are less fortunate than our family. So why is it that I look at those sentences and cringe and think of the selfishness of the word have?

The first definition of have in the Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary is…’to hold or maintain as a possession, privilege, or entitlement: to hold in one’s use, service, regard or at one’s disposal.’ The definition goes on but it never sounds positive. Further down in the definition it actually says that it can mean to ‘take advantage of: TRICK, FOOL (as in been had by his partner).’ One of the only positive spins I see in the wordage has to deal with marriage ‘to accept marriage’. No wonder I felt a little queasy after seeing the first three sentences I wrote.

So I go one step further and find Roget’s Thesaurus hoping for some affirmation that have is not a bad word and should not need to be struck from my vocabulary. I begin to think how hard it is going to be to find words or phrases that can replace the word have. I am somewhat pleased that the first word to replace have in the thesaurus is understand. Okay, that is a good word. The next word sends me in the dumps again…possess…ugh, the third word include, YEA! I continue looking at the thesaurus and see that there are over four and a half pages, or approximately 1000, have phrases in which the thesaurus gives alternative wording.

I don’t want to think that have is a bad word. I have many things and I know that means a lot in our ability to give. It says in the Bible (paraphrase) to those who have been given much, much will be expected. I believe that one reaps the other (my words) because I have, I can give. Because I give, I have. I do believe that I am blessed because of my trying to be of service to others.

You cannot give what is not there. I find time to give to volunteer organizations because it is important to me. When my children were young, I was their Girl Scout and/or Cub Scout leader. Before we started homeschooling, I volunteered at their school.

If something is important, you can find the time; you find a way to fit it in to your schedule even if it is stuffing envelopes at your home after the kids are in bed. I used to tell people why I volunteered so much was to make up for those who did not have the time. I did not have a full-time job so I was more flexible than those who worked full-time.

Sometimes, the unimportant things get pushed to the side temporarily. I think that is the personality of many women; they sacrifice themselves for others and say that there will always be time for themselves when their children get older.  While I would really like to spend my days quilting, there are more important things that I can be doing to help impact lives and our community.

I believe that I am doing all I can. I devote many hours to volunteering. As my children get older, my volunteer focus changes. They don’t need me as much anymore and their activities don’t lend themselves to needing me as a volunteer. But my giving does not stop, it just evolves.

In this season of giving, it would be nice if everyone took the time to look at their life, see how it impacts their family, their community, our world. If everyone, and I mean everyone, gave up one hour a week (on average) to help someone, to help an organization, think of the millions of hours that will have been given to better our world. It is just an hour, 52 hours over the year, just a little more than 1.25 of a work week, to make this place we call home, better.

Now don’t get me wrong; I am not asking everyone to restrict their volunteering to one hour a week. I would love it if everyone who is not already volunteering began donating an hour a week. I know there are people out there that do not give anything for one reason or another. Volunteering is not limited to adults, children as young as five can find something to do. The Girl Scout program and Cub Scout program provide many opportunities for service.

This is the only world I know. The way that I treat it, I believe, has an impact on how I live and feel and how the world and its inhabitants feel about me. If I see something that needs to be done and feel passionate about it, if I do not act, who will?

If someone sees a small fire and does not put it out, the end result can be destructive and deadly. How many small fires do we see throughout our day, that if we would just act, could be squelched and stopped in a short time? How many of those small fires are allowed to burn and destroy so much? We see it all of the time during the dry season. If someone would have not dropped that cigarette or made sure that their campfire was extinguished… If someone would have addressed their angry feelings, immediately, instead of letting them smolder and grow into a ‘forest fire’, what a better world we would have.

Think about the things that you have. Do you have enough that you could share just a little to someone or an organization that has nothing? Let’s take our positive haves and help out those that have nothing.

This is totally not where this blog was going today but this is where I was led. I hope that everyone has a chance to be led where they have never thought and make an impact in ways they could never imagine.

Luke 12:48 ‘But someone who does not know, and then does something wrong, will be punished only lightly. When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone have been entrusted with much, even more will be required.’ (New Living Translation)

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Growing old…appreciating life…damning life

Okay, I have to be honest; I don’t know if this writing is more about the thoughts running through my head or the wine running through my veins, but I feel compelled to write, to share, to cry, to vent or share whatever comes out of these fingers.

I am alone. I am not lonely. My family has just left a day before me for a Thanksgiving holiday. I will greet them tomorrow, after taking care of some household necessities, meeting up with our house sitter, getting our ailing dog to the vet and making sure that our dog staying home has all she needs.

I am sad. I have come to the realization that our nine and a half-year old dog is dying. We have had all the tests, had him hospitalized with the vet to try to figure out what is wrong. He is not making platelets or his body is destroying the platelets that are being made. Anyway you look at it, he is dying and I am sad. I look at him not being able to walk up the stairs in our home and I am sad. I watch him as he cannot eat his favorite snack and I am sad. While I know he is not my child, my tears are real and my pain is true.

I have read in the newspaper two things that truly disturb me; 1) Legalizing marijuana because enforcing the laws as an illegal substance is overcrowding our prisons and 2) not allowing nativities in a community.

If you have read my blog before, you know I am a Christian woman. I do not understand that a country that is more than 50% Christian can say it is illegal to celebrate the birth of our Saviour, Jesus Christ. And it is not just that we should be allowed to celebrate Christmas and Easter as Christian holidays, I believe that acknowledging other faiths is okay if it means that we, as Christians, can be open about our faith. Having a Menorah does not lessen my faith as a Christian. Why do we have to be denied our faith? We should not have to sacrifice our faith just as those who are Jewish, should not have to sacrifice their faith. Why can’t we work, as a country, to be open to all, even Christians!

It seems that people have decided that it is easier to lower out morals than to enforce the laws we have or guide our children to lower their standards. Many may say that I am a strict parent and expect too much of my children. I will tell you, that until the day I die, I will always say that you should wait to have sex until you are married and that living together is the easy way out.

If we teach our children about commitment in a marriage and that it is not something you throw away because there are problems, we teach them to think before they act, to be sure that the decisions that they make are for the long-term. If I would have walked away from my marriage every time there was a problem, I would have been divorced by now. I love my husband, very dearly, and I would not want to be with any other man, but we have had our conflicts. That is natural. I cannot think that there are any two people who think exactly alike. That is what makes life interesting. And I am not an ultra conservative Christian, so while you might look at the above rantings as that of an ultra conservative, think again. I believe that we should teach our society to be committed and look towards the future in all: work, relationships, living and not just believe that we can just move on to the next thing when we tire of what we do or have.

BUT I think that we need to be respectful, more controlling of our thoughts and actions and realize that we should not be a society of instant gratification. What is wrong with waiting until you are a responsible adult to have sex? What is wrong with having drugs be illegal? Why is it wrong to error on the side of modesty than flamboyance?

I just don’t get it. I just have to wonder if our world is just falling apart.  As I have told friends, “It is hard to close Pandora’s box. How do we get back to a world of responsibility, of modesty, of deference, when it has all been done and accepted as normal?”

I fear for my children. I hope that in their upbringing to appreciate nice things, hard work, respect and modesty, that they are not swallowed up by the world. I hope that they can survive, be a positive influence, be a beacon of their faith and give hope to the world, that it can be a loving world.

It is funny. While I think these things, they have come to the surface because of the mortality of a dog. My thought to say, ‘just a dog’ for emphasis enters my mind, but he is so much more than ‘just a dog’. Copper, is a true dog, someone who is loyal, loving and faithful. I wish that I could be like a dog. I wish that I could be always loyal, loving and faithful. As a human, I cannot be that perfect. Oh to be a dog, for that perfection.

I don’t know if Copper is going to die in three days, three months or three years, but I know that he is better at being a dog than I am at being a person. And that makes me sad, lonely and oh so wanting to be more like a dog. Maybe that is why dog and GOD use the same letters…so close to perfection.

I will let this sit for the night. In reviewing, I believe all I wrote, and even in the light of day, wine or not, I am sure I will stand by these words. God bless my dog, for his is perfection!

(I have re-read, and stand by my words.)

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Being Thankful…Always

Many think about being thankful at Thanksgiving time. I try to be thankful everyday because that is what my faith says. Whether things happen that are good or bad, I need to find something to be thankful. I learned that, many years ago, when we had an unemployed household. And I continue to learn daily.

I quit working, for pay, when our family moved to Spain. When we moved home, it was decided that I would continue to not work for pay so I could manage the home, the children, our lives, as Kent would continue to travel in the United States for his work.

Well…that was the thing, there needed to be employment. That did not happen for nine months. We were faced with financial and social strains that we could never have imagined.

All of the friends that we had in Spain were no longer available in our life. There were no more business lunches or dinners or drinks. And things had changed at home as well.

Kent would go to his office, in our home, every day but there was no connection to others. I would take our son to the bus for Kindergarten and take our daughter to pre-school and we would go to church on Wednesday and Sunday, but things were different. There was a disconnection with our life.

Life moved forward without us in the United States. The friends with whom we had socialized had met new friends and it was hard to fit us into their busy schedule. We had our son at school in one town, our daughter in pre-school in another town and our church was in a different town. It was a mess and it was getting difficult to act as if everything was okay in our home. There was a lot of stress and arguments. How could we pay our bills? How did we get to be so distant from our friends? How are we going to survive?

There did not seem to be much to be thankful. I felt my life was falling apart. But I had to find something. So I began thinking: ‘We may not have a job, but we have money to pay for insurance; if someone becomes ill we can still go to the doctor. We still have a roof over our heard. We still have food to eat. The adults may not be getting along, but we still need to be thankful that our children are happy.’ No matter what our ailments, place in life, our financial status, I can be thankful that I wake up in the morning.

In my life as a Christian, I do not always do what is proper. I don’t always pray as I should. But, I think, always give credit to The One who sees to my needs. While things were not easy for those nine months, we survived and grew stronger. It was because of my faith that I muddled through and learned and became a better person.

I P.R.A.Y.

When I have a conversation with God, I Praise first. I thank God for all of the things that he has given me. Sometimes what I am given is not what I want but it is what I need. It is through our trials and tribulations that we grow in our faith. If things were always hunky-dory, we could not grow as a person; we would become spoiled brats, always getting our way.

Next I Repent. I ask God to forgive me for falling short of His expectations. And I fall short every day.

Thirdly, I Ask. I don’t ask for things because that is not what we need. I ask for guidance and inspiration and His patience, while I try to figure it all out.

And lastly, I Yield. To me that means that I give myself to Him to use my life as He sees fit. Does that mean that I become a Job-type character and I am inflicted with sores and poverty? Or am I blessed to no end and can take my blessings to help others? I don’t know. On any given day, I think that I could be used as either. But however I am used, I remain thankful, thankful for my loving, imperfect family and my blessed and imperfect life.

Now, after nine months of unemployment, my husband did find a job. We have not had that sort of turmoil in our home since. It was a great learning experience and through our trials, we grew as a family. I do not have all of those lessons down pat; I still make huge mistakes in my life. But I know that I can survive. When it does not seem that I can, I P.R.A.Y.

Happy Thanksgiving, every day!

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Poor man’s coffee connoisseur

I love coffee! I love good coffee! But I cannot afford Starbucks’ or Scooter’s or Jidders’ Coffee House coffee for two reasons: 1) I live out-of-town and do not go into town every day and 2) while Jidders, a local coffee establishment, has reasonably priced coffee, it would still cost me over $35.00 a week, with tip and that over 52 weeks totals $1800+.  I know that I can think of more ways to spend $1800.00 than in someone else making me coffee.

SO….I needed to find a way to create that same coffee, whenever I wanted it, at a reasonable price. Having lived in Spain made the first step to my solution simple. When living in Spain our family adopted the philosophy that we needed to become Spanish and live as the Spanish. While I had purchased an auto-drip coffee maker, I decided that since the Spanish thought American coffee as ‘dirty water’, I needed to invest in a more proper coffee maker.

I purchased a stove top espresso maker. In Spain it is just called a coffee maker because they do not categorize their coffee as espresso; you can purchase cafe’con leche, cortado, cafe’ solo or carajillo (coffee with milk,  coffee with less milk, coffee with no milk and coffee with brandy). In Spain all coffee is based on what we would call espresso. My 24 oz. coffee mug is unheard of and the largest cup would be 8 oz.

When we moved home I wanted to continue on with my Spanish coffee style. The stove top coffee maker moved home with us and my auto-drip coffee maker was relegated into storage.

For years, I would make my coffee, add milk and sugar but still head to the coffee shops for my latte’ fix. Now I had owned an espresso/frother machine in the past but I really liked the stove top method and decided against purchasing a new espresso machine. But I needed a solution to my coffee predicament.

As I was walking through a Target Store one day, I saw a hand frother and new that I was on my way to becoming independent. I purchased the frother and then got about to testing  the heating of milk to the proper temperature in my microwave. I determined that 2 minutes gave me the proper heat and frothing ability. I did discover that freshly opened milk froths better than milk that has been opened for a couple of days.

I was disappointed this week when I was reading a magazine and there was a quote about swapping out those unwanted, useless gadgets, ‘like the frother you received from Uncle Fred‘! I love my frother and would not exchange it for the world. It saves me money and helps start my day right.

The last step was to find syrups that were sugar-free and reasonably priced. I went to the internet and searched and searched and searched and found  http://www.lollicupstore.com. This website has a great variety of sugar-free syrups and when you add in the shipping,  it might average out to $8.00 per bottle of syrup (a guess). The bottles range from $4.50-4.85 a bottle. Shipping is expensive, but worth it because of the variety and it is delivered UPS to your door. I usually stock up once or twice a year and order 12-15 bottles at a time. It is definitely less expensive than $1800.00 a year and the sugar-free varieties are greater in my home coffee shoppe than any coffee shoppe I have ever visited.

I am not a coffee expert but I like good coffee and a great latte’. People who know me, know that I carry my Mickey Mouse Mug where ever I am in the morning. I have approximately 13 oz. of coffee and 8 oz. of frothed milk. My variety ranges from ‘Almond Joy‘ to ‘Bing’ candy bar to caramel pumpkin to Peach Melba.

My new discovery is added syrup to the milk prior to frothing. I add sugar-free vanilla syrup. It adds another layer of complexity to the coffee and it reminds me of homemade vanilla ice cream as I sip through the froth to get to the coffee.

While this system may not be for everyone, if you like a good coffee but don’t like the expense, I would invest in my system and enjoy what you like, when you want it and not worry about needing to get out of your automobile or sitting in a drive-thru.

It definitely works for me and it makes me, not a poor man’s coffee connoisseur but an economical alternative to the expensive coffee shoppes.

ENJOY! Today was Caramel Pumpkin Latte’ with Vanilla Bean Froth. I am getting ready to make my second up.

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Cooking to Clear My Head

My head is just spinning from everything that happened last week. I look at my poor boy (see previous post) and the matted hair on his legs that are tinged red because of the blood. I look at his nose that is clotted with blood and I just feel nothing but pain. The vet told me today that clotting is good so I just keep his nose clear enough to breathe. No big test results back yet; hopefully they will know something tomorrow.

I spoke with my friend who is a nurse and she explained what could be causing his low platelets. While his eating has slowed down (probably from the yucky blood taste in his mouth), his tail still wags and he looks bright in his eyes.

BUT….on to my day.

To get my mind off of things, I decided I needed to clean up my frig and freezer. And what I mean by that is, I needed to get those old bananas baked up; I needed to use the pumpkin that I baked earlier this month; I needed to make something with the fresh corn that I froze. It was going to be a baking/creating day.

I used a base quick bread recipe and then added my mix-ins. The base recipe is as follows:

  • 3 c. flour
  • 1 t. salt
  • 2 t. baking soda
  • 2 c. sugar
  • 1 c. oil
  • 4 eggs

Mix the flour, salt, baking soda, and any spices; set aside.

Combine the sugar and oil; mix until smooth. Add eggs, one at a time, mixing after each addition. Slowly add the dry ingredients.  Beat for 2 minutes.

Depending on the type of bread you are making, will determine when you add your mix-ins. If you add pumpkin or bananas, add to the wet ingredients before adding your flour mixture. If adding chocolate chips, raisins (dried cranberries, dried cherries, etc…) or nuts, add after the flour mixture.

Your main add-ins should equal 2 cups: 2 cups bananas (6 medium), 2 cups pumpkin, 2 cups, applesauce, or any combination there of. You can then add nuts, chocolate chips, raisins. Your spices should equal 2 teaspoons. (For the pumpkin muffins: add pumpkin pie spice, bananas: cinnamon and ginger) (And yes, I know that I do not have the popular KitchenAid Mixer but this was a Wedding Gift from my grandparents [previous post], so I cherish it)

This recipe made enough to be put in 3 – 10″ greased loaf pans. Bake for 50 minutes @ 325 degrees. I have a convection oven so you may have to adjust your baking times.

This recipe is not a sticky topped bread. The top has a nice crust on it which is what I prefer.

I was a busy girl; I made 10 large loaves and 11 small loaves of bread. My types were: Pumpkin, Banana, Banana Nut, Peanut Butter Banana Chocolate Chip (I used the peanut butter as the oil and then added a little oil to get the correct consistency), Chocolate Chip – Dried Cherry(I adjusted this recipe and added milk to make the batter more moist since there were no moist additions. With this recipe, grease and flour the loaf pans).

                                                                                        I also made a 10 X 15 pan of Pumpkin Bars with Cream Cheese Frosting and a Chicken Corn Chowder.

I wish I would have done a better job with remembering the recipe for the Chicken Corn Chowder. I know I used 2.5 large chicken breasts that I cooked in water. In the same water I added fresh frozen corn (probably about 3 cups) and then added 5 medium-sized potatoes, peeled and cubed. The spices I used were salt, pepper, coriander, dried mustard, minced onion and ground thyme. When the potatoes were cooked, I added 2 T. of butter and milk (1 or 2 cups). The only thing I would have done different is frying the potato cubes in oil so they would have stayed firmer. It was very good, don’t get me wrong but next time, I will get a crisp layer on the potatoes before putting them in the soup.

This all day cooking did help my mood. And while I know it meant nothing to Copper, since he was isolated at the time of my cooking, he does have a bounce in his step that he hasn’t had for a few days. I heard him bark today which hasn’t happened for a while.

My head is definitely getting cleared and my family has a lot of home cooked food to bring them comfort. I hope that this is all good karma and news will come tomorrow from the laboratories. If not, I still have 2 cups of pumpkin and probably 3 cups of bananas that I can create some more …maybe a black bean pumpkin soup or a Cuban black bean banana something; my choices are endless. I hope that I can create out of love instead of stress on my next baking/cooking day.

I will keep you updated.

(View from my kitchen window)